


I'm So Messed Up, So Out of Line

by allforCakeCakeforall



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cake, F/M, Fluff, Hurt Luke, M/M, Sad Luke, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-02-22
Packaged: 2018-05-22 13:55:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6081885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allforCakeCakeforall/pseuds/allforCakeCakeforall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone has a major flaw in life. Mine was letting you go and I'm paying for it everyday.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm So Messed Up, So Out of Line

_Not a day goes by where I don't kick myself for letting you go._

_Why couldn't I have been selfish and actually go for what I wanted opposed to worrying about the sake of the band? Why didn't I go after what I had wanted for so long? As usual, I found a way to screw things up instead of preserve things the way that they were. Now I'm stuck here in an endless loop of waking up, seeing your smile for the majority of the day, being around you all day, and then sleeping only to awaken the next day and do the same thing over and over again. The loop has been the most painful thing I have ever had to deal with in my life so far._

_For years I've lived with the mystery of how you feel towards me and I am far too self conscious to even consider asking you. So in my mind I come up with a seemingly foolproof plan to discover how you feel about me without me having to flat out confess my feelings towards you._

_I start flirting with you and being more affectionate towards you. When I put my plan into action, you become extremely confused. Your eyebrows furrow much closer than normal and you stare at me longer than normal, in an attempt to figure out what I'm doing. It stays like that for about a month and I'm afraid it means you don't feel the same way for me as I feel for you. When I'm finally about to give up and accept the fact that you don't feel the same way as me, you're entire attitude changes. You start flirting back and we seem to have this invisible thread stringing us along to see who will actually make the first move._

_It goes on like this for quite sometime and I have never been so happy. You cuddle me more. You're more protective of me. You hold my hand under tables. When we're alone you rest your head on my shoulder and doze off while I just stare at you in absolute awe. You're the most beautiful person I have ever seen and, in a way, you're mine._

_It lasts for about three quarters of a year and honestly nobody has ever seen either of us so happy in as long as they can remember. We're finally back in LA when everything changes. We're in the studio keeping up with our usual playful banter when Ashton comes over. His face shows how he is feeling in this moment and let me tell you, anyone in their right mind would be afraid of it._

_"Guys! Keep it down! John is trying to give Mikey instructions, but Michael can't hear them over you two giggling!"_

_You lower your head and apologize while trying not to giggle. My cheeks flush out of pure embarrassment until I see the smile stretched across your face. My embarrassment goes away because I see how happy I am making you. Little did I know that wouldn't be the first time we would cause havoc._

_Our flirting keeps up in the studio and Ashton and Michael yell at us constantly. The only thing in that room that we are focused on is each other and at the time it does not sound bad at all._

_Then Ashton and Michael come waltzing into the living room of our shared house in LA where you and I are seated on a couch giggling away. Ashton has his arms crossed and a stern looks on his face. I'm the first of us to stop giggling due to his serious expression. Michael does not look much happier than Ashton as he shoots daggers at me and I can't help but want to shrink away from him and bury myself in your warm embrace once again. However, I know I can't do that. I move away from you slightly as you let the rest of your giggles die down._

_"What's going on guys?" You ask once your laughter has stopped._

_"An emergency band meeting is happening. Now." Ashton says and my blood runs cold. Whatever this is about, Ashton is furious about it._

_"Oh? What about?" I ask nervous of his reply._

_"Oh nothing important. Just the fact that we suddenly have two giggling school girls in the band who are barely getting their work done." Michael says with a hint of venom in his voice. Suddenly I feel like I'm back in high school and I want to just curl up in a ball and ignore this talk, but I know they won't drop it._

_"Guys I know Luke and I have been a bit disruptive in the studio lately but-"_

_"No that's just it Calum. There is no 'buts' in this. We know that we're all best friends in this band and lately you guys have been extremely close and we're fine with that. But in the studio you guys keep staring at each other whenever one of you is recording and that causes you guys to giggle and you have to redo it. Then when me or Mikey are recording you guys are giggling and being incredibly disruptive that we can't focus either. You guys are wasting way too much time in that studio. We don't have much time left here and we need to get this album done. There is no way in hell that I am letting this album's release get delayed if it can be avoided."_

_Once Ashton is done ranting you put your head down for a few seconds before you look up at him again. "Ash, we're really sorry about being so disruptive. We weren't really taking that into consideration. I promise that we are going to try harder to not be so disruptive in the studio. We want this album done just as much as you two do."_

_I nod in agreement because I'm simply too embarrassed to. I never realized how disruptive we were being to our work process. I just never seem to be able to control myself around you and it scares me. You have this power over me that neither of us willingly control, at least I hope you don't._

_In that moment, it hits me that being with you is not only going to affect our work, but Ashton's and Michael's work as well. Absolutely everything will change in this band if something were to happen between us. Suddenly I'm not sure what I want anymore._

_The next couple of days that we are in the studio are extremely awkward between us for obvious reasons. Well at least it's obvious to me; I have no idea if you know why it's awkward. I try to distance myself from you, but turns out I distance myself too much and end up completely avoiding you. I go back and forth from completely avoiding you, to being all over you again because I cannot find a happy medium. You'll say something to me and I won't even look at you. I'll give one word answers and nod my head whenever you ask me a question. Then the next I'm sitting next to you, practically on your thigh because we're that close together and I'm giggling and pinching your cheek. You still don't give up though. You're putting up a fight and I honestly don't know who is going to come out on top._

_It lasts for about two weeks when suddenly you rip my phone out of my hands, it's one of the days that I ignore you, which forces me to look up at you. You stare down at me with a hint of anger on your face before you speak, "We need to talk. Now."_

_I take in a deep breath before I nod my head and follow you out of the studio since we have a break right now anyway. Once the door closes you whip around to face me with a look on your face that I cannot decipher._

_"Look Luke, I don't know what the hell you want from me. God damn it you're so confusing."_

_I lower my head and mumble, "Sorry," while I kick at a pebble._

_You sigh and pull your hair out of frustration, "Luke, I-I just need to know what you want from me. One day we're all over each other having a good time and then the next you're avoiding me like the plague." I put my head down afraid of where this talk is going to lead to. "Was it- was it something I did? Did I upset you or something? Whatever I did I'm sorry, but I just need to know what you want from me. I'm not going to just sit here and let you string me on when I-"_

_My head snaps up to look at you when you cut yourself off. Were you actually going to say what I thought you were going to? I blink repeatedly just to make sure that this isn't a dream and I'm soon faced with the fact that it is not and I want to pinch myself._

_You take a deep breath and your shoulders relax, "Luke, if you want something more than what we have now, I need to know. I'm not going to let you play me Luke."_

_My eyes widen in shock as I finally see how much this has taken a toll on you. I never ever meant to hurt you. I clear my throat and look you in the eyes, "I-I just- I don't know either Cal. Can I think about it?"_

_You sigh again before you nod your head yes and you send me a small smile. You walk back into the studio while I sit down in the grass and let everything sink in. You actually like me back. You like me back. Even though I want to jump for joy and scream at the fact that you feel the same way, I know that this will be the biggest decision of my life._

\-------

It's been a few days since I've spoken to you. These last few days have been the most confusing and have caused me so much anxiety, but I've ultimately come up with my decision. I can't risk our futures for this. I just hope that you can understand. Also, I hope I can tell you without breaking down, because I'm giving away this dream for hopefully a much bigger dream.

We're in the studio when I finally have the courage to talk to you, "Hey Cal, do you want to get some fresh air?"

You nod your head before you slide your phone into your pocket and raise to your feet. I follow your motions and walk in front of you and I feel like I'm leading you into the unknown because you honestly don't know what I'm going to say to you. I take a deep breath before I turn around to face you when we are a safe enough distance from the studio. You run your hands down your thighs and kick at a rock before you look up at me. You take a deep breath and lock eyes with me and god I wish you hadn't. I always lose myself in your eyes and I mean anyone who looked into them would. You bite the corner of your lip before your mouth opens, "So?"

I suddenly feel intimidated by your gaze and I look down briefly before my senses kick in. I owe you this much. I release the breath that I was subconsciously holding in, "I'm sorry."

You put your head down and continue kicking around the tiny rock on the cement. You nod lightly and hollow your cheeks before you kick the rock into the pool. The splash echoes in my head and I can't figure out if it was the rock that made it that loud or my own tears starting to move. You look up at me with an unreadable expression. I expect you to march up to me and scream every single profanity at me because in a way I did play you. Instead you take slow steps towards me and take your hands out of your pockets. You keep walking towards me until you are right in front of me and I can't take this suspense anymore. You look me directly in the eyes again, "Ok," I let out a sigh of relief, but then your forehead is pressed against mine and one of your hands is on my cheek, "Can we? Just once."

I feel my eyelashes flutter against my skin and I can't help but let out a deep breath. You're so god damn close and I just want time to stop here with us in this intimate position. I nod my head slightly before I lick my lips and breathe out, "Yes," and my lips brush against yours and god I feel like I'm going to collapse if you don't kiss me right now.

Thankfully I don't have to wait too long. You sense my desperation and place your other hand on my hip as you press your lips against mine delicately. Despite how innocent and soft the kiss was, I can't help but let out a whimper because this is finally happening. You use your hand on my hip to pull me closer to you and I instinctively put one hand on the side of your neck and press my lips harder against yours. There's no space between us and I'm dizzy because of your taste. It's so indescribably you and I can't help but love it and try to make it last as long as possible so I can commit it to memory.

You start to pull away from me and before I realize what is going on, my arms are wrapped around you and pulling you back to me. My mind is suddenly filled with one thought, you. I want you. I crave you. I need you.Your body crashes against mine as our mouths fuse together over and over again. If it were with anyone else I would have been embarrassed beyond relief, but it's you and that's all that matters. My hand is on the back of your head as an extra precaution because I'm not ready for this to end.

Your teeth catch on my lip ring and tug gently. I gasp because I never knew that the tiny little black hoop could make me feel that good. You use my parted lips to your advantage and slip your tongue into my mouth. Shivers travel through my body as I feel your tongue move around slowly. It feels every crevice, every crack in my mouth and it's all so intimate that I feel my knees wobble from the intensity of how passionate this means to the both of us.

I assume you felt me wobble in your arms and you start to move us back to the chairs that we set up by the pool, our lips never separate. You turn us around before you attempt to sit down without moving your mouth from mine. I straddle your hips and cup your face while you move your hands to rest on my lower back. You moan into my mouth and I want to hear it every second of every day on repeat. Your chest vibrates against mine when you moan and it forces me to put my hips down against yours which causes us both to let out a whine.

Our mouths separate so we can catch our breath, but our foreheads are still pressed together and I am so desperate for you that I just need something. I begin to desperately move my hips against yours and a gasp leaves your mouth before you bite your lip to muffle your moan while I whimper lightly. Your hands squeeze my hips as you slam your lips against mine again and your tongue enters my mouth again.

My hips continue to move against yours and our moans are being muffled and it's all so rushed and intimate that it's a beautiful train wreck of emotions. Suddenly I feel more pressure than before on my hips from your hands. I furrow my eyebrows in confusion and fight your strength with my own as I roll our hips together harder. You pull your head away from me and murmur, "Luke," and that's when everything clicks. You want me to stop.

We're both panting and I'm shaking on your lap because I know I can't delay what is about to happen. I put my head down and you place one last lingering kiss on my forehead before you lift me up by my hips and move me off of you. The warmth that my skin was absorbing is now replaced with shivers and the bitter cold. You look over at me one last time before you stand up and walk back to the studio without even sparing a glance at me.

And that's when I break.

\---------------

It’s three weeks later when Michael bursts into the house while screaming with his arm around your shoulders. You have a huge grin on your face as Michael puts you in a headlock before he messes up your hair while teasing you about something I can’t hear. Your laugh fills the entire room and a smile instantly grows on my face as you try and push Michael off of you.

Ashton enters the room and gets Michael to let go of you, but it doesn’t stop you from laughing. I furrow my eyebrows in confusion at what has made you both burst back into the house like this. All you guys did was go food shopping. What could have happened that made it seem as if we were nominated for a grammy?

Ashton is thinking the same thing as me as I suppose because he speaks up, “What in the hell made you guys act like that? Did Calum tease you about losing your passport again?”

Michael walks over to you and claps his hands against your shoulders, “My man over here! My man made me proud today!”

Ashton laughs with an unimpressed look on his face, “What could he possibly have done to make you this proud of him? Did he find cooler memes than yours”  
Michael’s smile falls momentarily, “Dude, that was low and harsh. Who hurt you?”

Ashton put his hands up in surrender with a smile on his face before Michael’s smile returned. “Well let me tell you. Our young Calum here has got himself a date with a cute cashier from the grocery store. We could get a discount on chips now!”

No. No, this, this isn’t happening. I tune out everything Michael says from then on out and my eyes move to you. Your head is down, but it doesn’t hide the smile or the blush on your face as Michael gives a play by play about how you got her number. That’s when my world comes crashing down. You haven’t looked at me since you came in to see how I am coping with this information. You’ve completely forgotten about how you used to feel about me while I spend every waking minute feeling everything that comes with love towards you. I guess it wasn’t until this moment that I realized how stupid I was to let you go.

My head is pounding as thoughts swirl around my head like a hurricane. My own mind is contradicting itself. One moment I’m blaming myself for this and the next I’m blaming you for this. I have no right to be upset. I was the one who pushed you away. I was the one who turned you down. I was the one who stopped this relationship with you despite how badly I wanted it. It’s my fault that you’re going on this date with a girl. It’s my fault that you’re going on a date with someone who isn’t me.

I can’t stay in this room as everything crowds around me. You three are oblivious to my inner turmoil and I use this as my chance to get the hell out of there. Once I’m out of eyesight, I’m running up the stairs to my room. I slam the door shut before I finally let my knees give out from beneath me and slide down against the door.

I was so close to having what I had wanted for years. Why did I give you up?

\-------------

It’s been five days since the news of your date and I’d like to think I’m handling it well (totally not) and today is the dreaded day that this date is happening. I walk down the stairs to see you standing in front of a mirror adjusting your shirt before you raise your hands to your hair and it hits me that this is really happening.

You catch my eye in the mirror and I freeze, my mind instantly begs for you not to turn around. You do.

When your eyes lock with mine my breath catches in my throat. How does your gaze always manage to throw off my equilibrium? How can you make me feel so exposed and vulnerable with a single stare? I take a deep breath quickly and stand taller in an attempt to restore some of my confidence.

You smile lightly and rub the back of your head, “Hey.”

I send you a forced, tight lipped smile back, “Uh, hi.”

Silence quickly settles between us again and the urge to run back to my room and lock myself inside becomes very tempting. However, I can’t bring myself to move right now. We never officially talked since the announcement of your date and I know that I can’t avoid you forever.

You sigh and take a step closer to me, “Listen I, um, I’m sorry if I’m hurting you with this, Luke. I hope you know that wasn’t my intention.”

I swallow lightly and shake my head, “I know you wouldn’t. You’re far too nice for that.”

“Good,” you say with a tone of relief in your voice. Silence takes over again and you lower your head down to stare at your shoes as if they’re the most interesting thing in the world. I send you another forced smile and take the silence as my cue to leave. I turn around to walk back up the stairs until you stop me, “Luke?”

For a moment, I contemplate ignoring you and continuing up the stairs. But there’s just something about the sound of my name falling off your lips that makes me stop. The tone in your voice is so soft, gentle and...calming that I know that I can’t ignore you. I slowly turn back around to face you and find you on the last step with your hand on the railing, almost as if you were ready to chase after me if I continued up the stairs.

You close your eyes momentarily as you take a deep, calming breath. Something is bothering you and you almost appear to be scared of what you’re about to ask me. You’re shoulders sag as you let out the breath you were holding in, “Do you think we’ll be ok?”

My eyes widen slightly at your question due to lack of being prepared for this question and you take my shock as your cue to continue.

“Despite everything that’s happened between us, Luke, I still really care about you. I know it may not seem like it lately, but I still see you as my best friend, Luke.”

Best Friend.

We could have been so much more than that if I hadn’t turned you down.

Boyfriends.

Lovers.

Maybe even husbands.

But I’ll never know now. It’s too late now to go back.

I send you a sad smile as I take a deep breath and this may be the hardest thing I’ll ever have to say, “Yeah, Cal. We’ll always be best friends, no matter what happens.”

You send me a smile as you climb up the few stairs between us and pull me into a hug that I can’t help but describe as relieved. You’re holding on to me so tightly and we’ve very rarely hugged like this before. My arms instinctively wrap themselves around you and I hold you close to me, because it’s the only thing stopping me from bursting into tears this very moment.

You rest your chin on my shoulder and whisper, “I love you, Luke.”

My whole body becomes stiff and I clench my eyes shut and let out a shaky breath, “I love you too, Cal.”

We both said it for two different reasons.

You let me go and then proceeded to walk out the door without sparing me another glance. I stare at the door for a few seconds before I finally let the tears I’ve been holding back fall. A sob rips from my throat as I sit down on the stairs, with the knowledge that I officially lost you.

You’ve already moved on from me while I’m still in love with you.

This is the most painful thing I’ve ever had to experience before and the one who usually helps me with pain is the one who caused it.

And to top it all off, it’s all my fault.


End file.
